Release a child into adulthood
“Please help me find words for my wife,” says 45-year-old Andrey. - Our son graduated from college two years ago, but still sits on our neck. Firstly, it is financially difficult, because we actually support an adult man, and clothes, and food, and leisure - all we pay only. Work has not yet been found permanent, something interferes or does not like. From time to time, something will work, but right there it’s nonsense, and doesn’t even think about offering products. This is just a parasitic way of life, irresponsible, he does not think about tomorrow. He plays a computer at night, then sleeps until noon, then ate - and went to his friends. I don’t give him money anymore, and my wife throws up anyway. We swear with her constantly, already on the verge of a divorce. She believes that the child needs help until he gets on his feet, that he is a good guy, does not drink, does not smoke, just has not yet decided. But so we will help until retirement! I do not know what to do. Do not lock the refrigerator! I believe that after the institute a person should already build his own life, and not so that he sat on his neck and relaxed. “I had a child in his years, and I kept the whole family!”
Small or adult?
This question is being asked by many parents today. Especially those whose children will not enter into an adult, responsible life. Sometimes this generation is called "scammers" (from the English kid - child and adult - adult): these children have already reached the age of majority, but are in no hurry to go into independent life. A recent study showed that 3.3 million young Europeans between 20 and 34 years old continue to live in their parental home. Of course, in our country, traditionally, everything happens differently and does not surprise anyone for several generations who are forced to live on the same territory. Late departure from the parental home is caused by a lack of affordable housing, an increase in rents, and difficulties in finding work for university graduates. But many just like to live in a parental home - especially if family relationships are warm and close.
Right to make mistakes
“It’s difficult to find the best age when it’s time for a child to live separately,” says psychologist Tatyana Simonova. - Too many of our feelings, emotions and thoughts are connected with children. On the one hand, I want to support and protect from trouble. On the other hand, I want to do this in such a way as not to prevent a person from learning to make their own decisions, implement them and face the consequences. Rely on practice: first, let the child cope with daily tasks, starting with everyday tasks. Is the young man able to maintain order, eat regularly, monitor utility bills, make rational purchases for the home? What happens if you leave him alone at home for a few days? Tune in to the fact that the first experience may be far from successful. It is important to determine for yourself at what stage of possible problems you are ready to help, to what extent. Children are different, the speed of development and growth is also different. For some, only local support is enough, but someone needs a feeling of support and shoulder nearby.
When a child feels safe and mature enough, he will willingly become autonomous and will cope on his own. His need for independence is brewing as the next stage of development, becomes relevant, and he is ready to realize it. And if the child is not disturbed, then this stage will certainly come. ”
How to live together
How to live together
Your adult children continue to live in the parental home and consider it theirs, of course. How to divide territory and responsibility so that everyone is satisfied? For example, you can ...
... DISCUSS PLANS. Once your child is a student, talk about how you live on. Do you want him to devote all his attention to his studies, and will you continue to be fully funded, or are options possible, and if so, which ones? Do you think that while parents fully pay for their studies, they have the right to firmly insist on compliance with home rules?
And what happens next if the son or daughter did not enter the university or still decide what to do in life? In this case, agree on how many attempts to find yourself you are willing to pay - courses, tutor, paid education, whether the child is going to work and when. Perhaps you will allow the child to move to the apartment that you have rented before, and will give him some amount of money for your life, or agree that he can move to his grandmother and look after her?
Important! Build the conversation on an equal footing and try not to perceive the young man as a child: you should not expect adult actions and decisions from him if you would like only unconditional obedience.
... AGREE ON THE RULES OF YOUR HOUSE. The main idea of this discussion is that despite the fact that you are one family and love each other very much, this house remains the parent, so that the “controlling interest” in the rules for cohabitation will belong to you and your husband. Make a clear list of things that you will no longer do for the child - simply because he has grown. For example, you obviously should not collect his dirty clothes, change bedding or remind you that you need to clean the kitchen in the evening. And it would be nice, by the way, that the kitchen and cooking cease to be solely your area of responsibility, since you have an adult assistant with your eating habits. Or you can agree that he regularly participates in the procurement of products for the family.
Important! Discuss and agree on how you feel about the idea of bringing a girl to your apartment (or a young man's daughter). Are you ready for periodic overnight stays or permanent residence of a young couple with you, do you consider it necessary to get married first or help them pay for separate housing.
... ASK THE CHILD TO MAKE A PART OF THE APARTMENT. If he has a permanent job, this is a fair decision: in any case, the fee for a rented room or apartment would be more than this amount, and the adult family member living with you uses living space, lighting, heating and water. This is necessary not only to remove part of the financial burden from the parents, but also so that the child more clearly understands what the total cost of living of an adult is made up of.
Important! Your expectations should be based on specific circumstances - this may be a fixed amount or a percentage of his income (for example, 20-25%).
... HELP HIM TO UNDERSTAND FINANCE. Act as a financial consultant, and not from the position "I will solve all your problems, the main thing is to share them with me." Many young people are indeed inclined to consider parents as an unlimited source of funds - they will always help, help and support. If the child clearly does not know how to handle money (spends all his salary, buys expensive equipment on credit or constantly borrow money from relatives), sit down, together evaluate his real knowledge in the financial field and share the basic rules for handling money. This is not as difficult as it seems: for example, teach him to record expenses, plan large expenses in advance and save 10% of any income received in reserve. Sadly, children will still have to face the results of their own mistakes in order to gain experience and learn to act wisely. While you are around and have the opportunity to give advice - advice and limit yourself: pay attention to the child that you and his father are not ready to constantly give him subsidies.
Important! Remind the child that if he hopes to get a mortgage sooner or later in a reliable bank and with favorable conditions, he will have to take care not only of his financial condition, but also have a good credit history.
... HELP WITH SEARCH FOR WORK, BUT DO NOT SEARCH FOR WORK FOR HIM. Statistics say that grown children are 2 times more likely to remain in their parental home because they cannot find a permanent job. Your desire in any way to help with the search is understandable. But it’s better to offer your help in writing or editing a resume, rather than looking for suitable vacancies yourself, tell me where you can find interesting internships or grants, but do not submit an application yourself. And think many times before recommending a son or daughter as an employee to your relatives or friends: do this only if you are 100% sure. The child’s plans may change or he may not be a very diligent worker, but it will be awkward for you in the end.
Important! Do not scold the child for career failures - the more you do this, the lower his self-esteem falls and the less energy and self-confidence he has to continue to search for work.
Under Mom’s Wing
We suggest you study 10 signs that you were too caring a parent. If you agree with at least five statements, it’s time for your child to freely swim!
- The best moment of your day is the sound of a key turning in the lock: cheers, the child is at home!
- You do not mind preparing food for the whole family, even late in the evening: so you, at least, are sure that he eats regularly.
- You again begin to clean yourself in the nursery, because there is a mess, but you are embarrassed to insist on cleaning.
- You are seriously worried about how your son or daughter handles her duties at work.
- The child is already working full day, and you have never asked him to pay part of the rent.
- You are starting to get a little annoyed by the money issue - all the expenses are borne by you and your husband, but out of habit you regularly throw a thousand or two to the child “for small expenses”.
- The son brings the girl to sleep and does not introduce her to you. Next week, he brings another girl - and again does not introduce. And she uses your hairdryer, by the way! And the last milk from the refrigerator goes into her cup of coffee.
- When friends of your children come to visit you, you will no doubt join their company.
- Your daughter sees your things as a free opportunity to diversify her clothing style. You are no longer outraged.
- Deep in your heart you are afraid that the day will come - and the child will inform you that he is moving.
They write to us:
Maria: “I have two adult sons. I consider building a communal apartment, dividing shelves in the refrigerator and scheduling the cleaning of the bathroom, the top of immorality, especially if the family has younger children. While the elders live at home, all the money - mine, husband, children - are put "in the bedside table." In total! And from there it is taken to whom as much as necessary. All expenses above 5 thousand rubles are discussed - both for children, and mine, and father's. ”
Anastasia: “My son went to study at 16, we rented a room for him, and by the end of the second year he began to pay for it himself. They gave money for food, when he began to miss it, he stopped taking it. Married at 22 to a wonderful girl. "
Olga: “As soon as I was hired, my mother put me on the counter. It was about a month before the first paycheck, but all the money my mother gave me was already in debt. I thought it was terribly unfair, of course! I only moved when I rented an apartment with a young man. ”
Natalya: “My son went to college, a little more than half a year I studied and said:“ I will go to the army. ” And went. He made a decision. He returned, found a job, the institute did not finish. We don’t share money, we don’t give each other a loan. ”
Elena: “My independent child“ crammed out ”of the house himself, breaking through parental resistance and escorted by the words:“ Independence is not partial! You can’t do it! ” But he managed, for which, in addition to endless parental love, he also received great human respect. And I found a job myself. ”
And how are you? Celebrity Opinions
Dina Sabitova, children's writer
My eldest daughter is 24 years old, and we have been living in different countries for two years now. When we were about to leave, she had education, work, and a boyfriend, although these relations turned into an actual family after we left. She earns most of the money herself, see each other every six months, and communicate via Skype. She is already an adult, but I still have tears inside that I left her alone. She became our daughter at 16, when in normal families the child is already preparing for departure from the nest. We went through all stages of rapprochement, mutual need for each other in an accelerated manner. And therefore, I have a feeling that I let her go too soon, not having nourished enough with love and care. I am sad that she lives on her own.
Yaroslav is 25 years old, he began to live independently 2.5 years ago. Son and wife live separately - they have known each other since school, met for a long time, this is true love. They began to live together and got married almost immediately afterwards. Such a situation so that the son would bring the girl home and say: “Mom, we will live here,” I would not allow. I have certain rules in my house, and I believe that a young family should live separately - everyday life is perfectly checked for the strength of the relationship. We financially supported Yaroslav at first and still try, but he is completely independent and very responsible person, he works even more than our dad. I’m calm for him - I see that he can support his family.
Sergey Belogolovtsev, actor, TV presenter
I myself separated from the parental family when I entered the institute in Moscow and moved to a hostel. He lived on a scholarship, which was pretty good, parents tossed something. Our children are separated by about the same model, they take an example from my wife and I, which is nice. For example, the eldest, Nikita, while studying, lived with us. But then he met a girl, married at 23 and moved to a rented apartment, began to provide for himself. Sasha has the same thing: a girl appeared - they rented an apartment with her, earn their living. I understand that this topic can be difficult for both sides, but if there are misunderstandings with children, you do not need to beat around the bush. You need to sit down and talk everything, find an acceptable way for everyone to arrange a life.
Tatyana Bulanova, singer
Sasha is 22 years old, he lives with us - and we all really like it. Our family is democratic, there are no rigidly prescribed duties, there are simply unspoken rules - for example, cleaning up after yourself. And there is no total control either. I treat Sasha as an adult, and it always has been. I’m sure that this is what brings independence, if you immediately treat the child as an adult, quietly, unobtrusively help and guide. Sasha recently went to work, so, of course, we help him financially. And if the son brings the girl to live with us, I will react very positively. Since we still have a large family, I would ask: maybe it would be more convenient for a couple to live separately? And they will want to stay with us - I will be glad!