How to communicate with a child if you are very nervous
Hi, my name is Ala Badanina, in the recent past I’m the chief editor of Cosmopolitan, and now I’m a mother of two children. Irisha is soon 11 years old, and she is actively entering the phase of puberty. Kostya is 11 months old and he just walks actively. I would like to discuss these two and a couple of dozen children of my acquaintances every week.
Our family has a clear division by gender and psychotype: Irisha and I are two mild choleric, our men are more phlegmatic. In winter, we are all a bit melancholy, and on trips we turn into sanguine. Unites all of us, besides the obvious things, an almost constant desire to have fun and not to strain too much. I mean, Irisha and I are easygoing, and the boys forgive us. In the one-year-old Kostyanchik, few can recognize phlegm from the outside, but I remember Irish at his age, and I understand ... that everything in this world is relative.
Over the past two weeks, my daughter and I have been actively preparing for entering a serious Lyceum, the task is not bad: in 14 days to master a complicated program in mathematics for 4 classes and fill in possible gaps in Russian. They decided to do it every day, take 6–7 lessons over the weekend, and 2–3 on weekdays. All this was discussed together with Irisha, she showed in every way the willingness to engage in and all that jazz. No, everything else started on the second day of classes: “I know everything! What are you bothering with me? ”,“ I want to sleep, but you ARE NOT ABLE to explain! ”,“ By the way, you did NOT WIN the city Olympics at my age! ” Tell me, how many days would your patience last? Here I have it, exactly at 5. On the sixth day I announced a break and began to meditate. How can we not kill each other (crossed out) and still achieve what we want? I read the tips about exams here on the Hearth, and began to recall what usually helps me to restrain or switch quickly. There are 6 points:
1. Honesty. From about 5 years old, the phrase “You know, I’m ready to scream now, but ...” acted on her daughter without fail. But we need to prepare for the exams, but we need to survive this day, but I'm your mother and I have to restrain myself, but we still try to figure it out.
NB! Do not abuse.
2. Non-pedagogy. Most psychologists will probably disagree with me now, but (do you recognize the design?). But sometimes I just pretend to be a child. Say, when we were driving after the exams, I was so nervous that I literally did not feel my legs. I gave Irisha money for a ticket, and she just sat on a bench and watched. The child in such moments behaves like a real crisis manager, does everything and takes care.
NB! Do not abuse, do not abuse, do not abuse.
3. The realization that you are an adult. Dear psychologists, are you satisfied now? :) In situations where you need to do something more than buy a ticket for the metro, I, of course, pull myself together. Inhale and exhale (it really works!), Clearly draw a goal in front of me (to act, find out what is the reason for our dispute) and try to help my young children. In English, there is a very nice word “dependent” - we have that name, sorry, dependents. And the literal translation sounds nicer - people dependent on you. Say what you like, children are very dependent on us, and any gesture, look and deed can really greatly affect them. I recall this when I get nervous or almost ready to break loose.
NB! I just say “dependent” in my mind.
4. Public places. A couple of years ago, I came up with a great way to practice with a child - then we missed a lot because of illness and travel - in a cafe, in a park and other public places. Having people around is very sobering for both mom and baby - this is one, and two - you can always come up with a bonus in mind ice cream or a walk.
NB! When I shared my know-how with a friend who has been living in America for five years and raising twins, she only shrugged: “Well, give! We have been doing this for a long time. ”
5. The same humor. I remember that at school I imagined my “enemies” in some ridiculous situation: the head teacher of the school in a trunk, the skating woman in the passport office — on skates
NB! I advise you not to raise the topic of negligent teachers in dealing with a child.
6. Love, of course. And again about the imagination. If I am very angry with my daughter, I remember the very first day of her life. I lay on a gurney in the corridors of the Moscow Region maternity hospital and waited for her to be brought to me. At that moment I was the happiest person on Earth, cried, tired, but really happy. These feelings are forever with me. And in relation to his son, too, although we have not yet quarreled so often with him. :)
NB! No matter how angry I am at my children, I have never said in my life that I do not like them. And I won’t say it.
Share your ways?