10 phrases that can not be said to children
The author of the book “How Many Times Can You Talk,” psychologist Amy Macredy, founder of the Positive Parenting program, writes: “How often, with the best of intentions, we say words to our children without thinking about how they will be perceived. And then we are surprised that they grow timid, notorious or impudent. ” Parents, be careful with the words!
10 dangerous phrases that you should think twice before speaking to their children.
- “I know you could try harder.” Are you upset that the daughter, having obvious abilities to study (music, sports), does not show high results? Any of your remarks, showing that you are dissatisfied with her successes, will not only lead her to depression, but may have the opposite result. She will stop trying at all. If your phrase “try more” refers to routine household chores, say more clearly what you expect from the child, for example: “When you put things in order in your room, you can go for a walk and play.” Or, if we are talking about school, it’s better to say this: “You see, the time spent on the book had a good effect on your grades.”
- "Are you sure you want another cupcake??» You have good intentions, you want your child to grow slim and healthy, but it is better to avoid talking or hints about a poor figure or his fullness. If you are concerned about the baby’s nutrition, take care not in words, but in deeds. Fill the refrigerator with healthy food, do not buy junk food like chips, increase the physical activity of the whole family, going for a walk after dinner. And if at some holiday the child wants extra cake, let him do it and ignore it. And watch yourself, please. Your words lose their meaning if you tell your child to remove his hands from the cookie box while you are eating chips. Avoid hanging labels, telling the child: "Well, you are a glutton!" You do not want to instill in him a complex about food? All your comments about food should be positive, for example: “Wow, you like pumpkin soup! Perfectly". Learn more about how to teach your child to eat right.
- "You are always" or "You are never." Of course, when we are angry, these terrible phrases break out almost reflexively: “You always scatter your dirty socks!” or "You never call me to say that you will come late!" But be careful, because these words are like a minefield. These are labels that we thoughtlessly stick, and there is a danger that children will stick to them all their lives. The sad paradox: our children become what we say about them. Therefore, scolding the child that he “always forgets to call,” we kind of program him for these actions. Instead, psychologists advise, ask your child how you can help him or her: “I noticed that you seem to have a problem, you forget the notebook to school. What can we do to help you? ”
- “Why aren't you like your brother or sister?” Siblings and rivalries go hand in hand. Everything that you say, comparing your children, only adds fuel to the fire of their dislike of each other. Having said the younger phrase: “Your brother learns to play the piano, and he does great, and why can't you?” You, in fact, tell him that the piano is a brother’s thing, and he cannot reach his level. Comparing brothers and sisters, dividing them into categories - “this smart, and this athlete” - you thus turn the child away from doing what his brother or sister did well. Instead, try encouraging everyone to do well, avoiding comparisons with other children in the family. How to avoid jealousy between children.
- “I told you that waiting until the last minute was a mistake!” You have repeatedly told your child that if he plays video games all day, he will not have time to prepare for the math test. And what? He went to bed late, went to school sleepy and unprepared and wrote a test worse than he could. But every time you repeat: “I told you,” you show him that you are always right, and he is always a mess. When he comes home with poor grades, instead of: “I told you,” ask him if you can have a brainstorming session together to prepare for the next test. Learn to notice the good things he has done and talk about it. For example, if he cleaned his room, note: "When the room is cleaned, it is much easier to find something in it and it is so nice to be!"
- “You play soccer the best!” It is quite obvious that a negative assessment of the child’s efforts (“You are not an artist!”) Can be destructive for his future, but in fact, positive statements can influence badly because they limit them. If you often tell your child how capable he is, this may affect the fact that he will be afraid to try himself in another. Just because of the fear that there he will not be very successful. If your child is unable to cope with some task, do not tell him: “But you are so smart!” It will only get worse for him that he does not reach the label that you pasted on him. Instead, praise the child’s efforts: “Well done, that you don’t miss workouts” or “You did a fantastic job on this scientific project!”
- “Don't worry, the first day at school will be wonderful.” It would seem that it is bad that you urge your daughter not to worry before the first visit to school? But by saying so, you are confusing her. Now she is not just worried, but worried that you are worried, that she is worried. The same applies to the phrases: "do not cry, do not be angry." They are not worth talking about. It’s better to ask: “I see that you are worried. Tell me what are you afraid of and we’ll think together what to do? ”
- "Because I said so!" It happens to everyone: you are in a hurry to work, and you don’t have time to explain why you need to turn off the computer or go to church or to the doctor. And you shout: "I said so, point!" This phrase means that all control over the situation is in your hands, and you crush the growing sense of independence of your child and his ability to understand some things. Speaking so categorically, you miss an important educational moment. For example, your children do not want to visit your cousin's grandmother on a sunny day, because they are going to ride bicycles. Your words make them feel unable to answer for their actions. Instead, tell them: “I know you would like to ride bicycles, but Aunt Clara would be very pleased if you visited her. We must respect all members of our family, especially the elderly. ” And know, even if they continue to grumble, they will visit the old woman, because you took into account their feelings and taught a lesson on how to behave in the family.
- "I do not want you to be friends with him, I do not like this guy!" All parents have in mind "this guy" or "this girl" among the friends of the child who you do not like. But keep in mind when you say this phrase, you make the bad guy even more attractive. Determine for yourself what you do not like. That he is not a berry of your field, or that he is dangerous for your child and will teach something bad? If the reason is the first, then bite the bullet and say nothing. If in the second, talk with the child openly, ask why he likes to hang out with a friend, what they do, when they meet, where they go. Avoid harsh statements about your child’s friends to keep abreast of their relationship.
- “You are doing it wrong. Give me!" You asked your child to stir the soup on the stove or stack clean towels or wash the machine. Of course, you needed help, but you saw that the child is not doing it right. If you are a perfectionist, then you can’t refrain from saying, “You are doing this wrong. Give me!" But this is a big mistake. Firstly, your child will never learn to do anything on his own, and secondly, he will no longer want to help when you ask. Better to put up with crookedly folded towels or a poorly washed machine. Or come up and say in a friendly and not dismissive way: “Let me show you a simple trick on how to quickly fold the towels that my mother taught me.”
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